3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
