Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
