My sheets look like a crime scene.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
this hospital has no fireball
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
