You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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