i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
