I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
