My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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