I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
