Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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