We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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