At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
