why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize