Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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