In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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