I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
