Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
