i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
