Moan for me like Helen Keller
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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