3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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