dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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