So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
