i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
