this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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