i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
