Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
