Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
