is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
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Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
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So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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