the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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