think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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