Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
