My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
