Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
