If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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