I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
