I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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