you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
