I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
My bed smells like the plague
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