Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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