So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
