I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Holy shit dude........stairs
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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