If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
