The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
