Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
