what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
