i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
