My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
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Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
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Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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