so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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