No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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