It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
