You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
