my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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