You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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