That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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