sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
