Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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