Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
