You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
