it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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