You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
