Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
